Has anyone really ever been to Plaistow?

Charles C

In the final Duchy Arms quiz of the quarter, just shy of half a ton of people joined the melée and learned: pythons are the world’s longest snakes, Beyoncé has twins called Rumi & Sir; and, five of Snow White’s dwarves have names that end in the letter ‘y’. As if those nuggets of trivia weren’t reward enough, the £40 bar tab, the consolation bottle of wine AND a boosted jackpot of £89 were all there as prizes.

As time was called on our two-score set of questions, power couple “No Hopers” just missed the bottle of wine but won my points-per-person award, and impressed everyone by knowing Ricky Gervais was born in Reading. Having been vocal all evening, the appropriately-named “Yelping Yabbies” won the second-from-bottom bottle of wine, and kudos from the room for knowing that France has been runner-up in three rugby World Cups.. Ahead of them, “Quiz In My Pants” returned to deliver another solid quiz performance, and were particularly fast on the flag identification.

Half a point more, with some attention (and a lot of gut-wrenching Lincolnshire emotion) diverted to the Chelsea-Grimsby goal-fest, “Go Mariners!” clocked in a good quiz, doing well to solve the cryptic clue for Plaistow in the underground station question. “Jack’s Attack” were just ahead of them, proving themselves fast on the Arsene Wenger word puzzle. Next, and joint equal, were “Fisherman’s Lozenges” and “Where’s John?”, who both got 3-from-3 on the cryptic tube stations and were completely correct in their ordering of curries’ spiciness.

Proudly on the podium, taking bronze, were “Clerky McClerkface”, who did well to know that goat meat is known as ‘chevon and also to be the only team to recognise the ‘Crank 2’ film poster. Also in third, building back up to the quiz prowess for which they have become notorious, was “One Of Us Escaped The Psychiatric Ward”, doing particularly well on the celebrity recognition questions and on the software company logo. Earning silver, having originally thought I must have missed them out when reading the scores at the end, “Hardcore Belgian Trannies” had a superb quiz, getting the anagram very quickly and recognising the dimensions of a badminton court.

At the end, though, two points clear at the top were “Too Many Croutons”, whose balanced first and second halves – showing knowledge of everything from snapping turtles (which eat tumours, apparently) to Zoolander’s rival – saw them through to victory and the coveted bar tab. Unbelievable scenes. “Where’s John?” got the closest guess to the my question on the length of the Nile (6,650km), which meant they faced the envelopes for the jackpot. However, their winning a pint of water not the cash means it rolls over to next week. £135 up for grabs. I know my grandmother would say it was terribly vulgar to talk about money but the jackpot is already of a size where it’s worth eschewing polite convention. It’s there to be won. You just have to come and win it. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell my grandmother. #onlytheduchyarmshastheanswer